The nights when I’m all alone and quiet are hard. Its like my brain is racing, running, going so fast. I keep thinking. I have all these negative random thoughts of failure in my head. I sit here quietly as I hear the crickets and the train in the distance. It’s physically dark out, and the darkness saddens me. I am thinking so much, and I’m alone. I have no one to talk to, or connect with. The darkness surrounds me, physically then mentally. Let me describe what I mean by darkness. Darkness is like loneliness except its heavier. It yells at you, you’re all alone and its yelling negative thoughts at you. It reminds you of the past things that were good but now are gone forever. But the thing is, is that theyre not. They happened. So they still exist. They’ll never go away, and never let the darkness or the loneliness prevent you from thriving. When it yells, yell back
This is a small shoutout to my Father, Ronald Roel whom owns an LLC called Roel Resources. His edits books, articles, etc. Contact him if you are ever interested. Also; more content and clothing coming soon.
I dont wanna live
but i dont wanna die
why is it so hard to exist
why at night do I cry
whys it so easy to love
But never easy to forgive
life is easily a gift
but gifts are short lived.
I’m just gonna say a few things with complete honesty. For a while, I fell off from lifting due to mental health, schoolwork, and other things you couldn’t even imagine. But the point is is that I’m back getting healthy, back in the gym, and working all the way back to where I was. I am taking supplements and protein regularly again, switched up my diet, and began to work back into the gym. First I must develop a schedule, a bodybuilding split with powerlifting form work to develop a basis, and then eventually I will ease my way back into powerlifting. Sometimes you fall into a hole and if you don’t pull yourself out soon enough, the hole gets deeper. That’s what happened to me; the hole got so deep and I hit pretty much rock bottom. So now I am climbing out. The comeback is officially starting. Updates soon.
“Depression Fucking SUCKS”
My name is Tommy Fucking Roel, and I’m here to tell you a little about my battles and what I have faced. I have an enzyme disorder in my brain called MTHFR Mutationwhere the B Enzyme Folic Acid cannot be broken down because I have an absence of the enzyme that does such, therefore I cannot naturally secrete normal levels of dopamine and serotonin. What’s this all mean? Depression, a fat fucking wad of depression.
Secondly, I have G.A.D, or Generalized Anxiety Disorderwith frequent panic attacks, often 2-4 times a day, maybe 5. The anxiety has been nerve-wracking and crippling for almost ten years. Ever since I was a 13-year-old kid. Fuck man.
Lastly, I am diagnosed with BPD, or Bi-Polar I. Yup, I’m a fucking nut. But if you’re fucking nuts like me, at least don’t be bland.
Even though I’m not how I’m supposed to be, I still got some kick in me.
To get you a little idea of how bad my shit really is; here is a list of medications that I have been on and failed.
There you go, six or seven different meds (and a suicide attempt) later and I’m still here battling the demons. Now why would I ever be so open with my medical history?
BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE IS AND ITS TIME TO OPEN MY MOUTH FOR EVERYONE.
No one has completely helped me through this. Now plenty of people and counseling have provided aid, but ultimately the sadness is my own battle. Me vs. Depression.
And one day I WILL fucking win, man. In order to avoid delving in too deep and even furthermore than I have before, I wanted to tie everything I have written about anxiety and depression together. Here is a combined excerpt of what it feels like to be lonely, and what it feels like to be depressed.
The world feels like a room full of razorblades and no matter where you move or walk, you’ll get cut, and that’s what anxiety is like, the world is the room and we’re in the center with all the razor blades around us and we just are scared of life and moving forward because we are scared we are going to get cut and hurt or that we might even get so hurt where bleed out. So, we stay stagnant and sit in our spot not moving so that we don’t get cut by the razors, we don’t get hurt. But how can we feel anything if we don’t move. Finally, the fear of the blades and anxiety becomes too much, so we need to move. but instead of making an incision in order to end it all, I realize that I cannot stay stagnant or end it, so I realize I must fight the razors. I put my head down, and I move forward towards the door. Despite all the pain from the razors and anxiety, I move. And finally, I think, I’ve made it out the door. I have plenty of scars and cuts and wounds. But here I am. Outside.
Depression, MTHFR Mutation, and Bi-Polar: What It Feels Like To Be Lonely
What It Feels Like To Be Lonely”
Being lonely is different than from what you think. It’s a mental thing. It’s not just being alone physically, not simply the physical absence of company causing you to yearn to surround yourself with individuals just because you want to socialize. You yearn to surround yourself with people around you so that the presence of others can distract you from loneliness. Loneliness, see, it is a constant and consistent feeling, the fear, the sadness, the desperation of wanting something, but yet you do not know what it is. You are lonely and empty, and the loneliness actually causes the emptiness, forcing you to try and find something, anything, to fill up that emptiness. You are alone. Mentally, even if you physically aren’t. Like mentioned before, You fill yourself in rooms full of people, familiar and friendly faces, momentarily filling up the deep darkness and emptiness inside of you. And for a brief moment, you are content. But in an instance your being content with the situation changes and the loneliness comes back, and the momentary happiness slips away into thin air. It is a vicious cycle. We strive to fill our loneliness. But we don’t know how to fill it, or what to fill it with. We try to find passions, careers, relationships. Or we use external methods of escape such as facing the bottle or taking that pill. But the artificial happiness created by external factors such as love and other drugs soon and suddenly evaporate. We find or search for pointless careers in which we try to find a purpose within such careers hoping we find our calling, or purpose. Some lucky ones find such purpose, but us, the lonely, cannot. Soon such loneliness will return to haunt us. The empty space within us will always fill up with momentary and artificial happiness before we are drained and stripped of such happiness or empathy, leaving us just as empty as we were before. But despite our faults, our loneliness, we smile through the pain, through the despair, the emptiness, and through the loneliness. We don’t know how to solve it, but we are trying to. There is no scientific cure for loneliness as I believe that loneliness correlates with our souls, not simply our genetic makeup regarding cognitive function. Loneliness is a matter of the soul, a soul who feels empty and alone, yet through the pain, we know we must persevere. So we smile, we are lonely, but we smile because that is exactly what we need to do. We cannot let our loneliness engulf us, we cannot let our sadness bury us. We cannot hide it, but what we can do, is fight it. Smile, day by day, fight by fight, battle with loneliness, and eventually one lone-full night, the loneliness will evaporate because we have won the fight. You cannot give up, be brave and be bright. Loneliness sucks, but we must persevere and not let it take our lives. Smile, because someday everything will be alright.
Lately I have not been posting on my website, however, I still have been MaxinoutNBlackinout’. The reason for my not posting as often on this website is simply due to struggles that I am facing in real life. Since I have opened up before about depression and anxiety (Battling with Loneliness and “Let Me Tell You a Little Bit about Depression), I am going to once again.
Here we go again;
I haven’t been able to function for the last 6 months due to crippling anxiety and depression. Sometime it is so bad that I cannot get out of bed, and am having trouble getting to class and the gym due to self-consciousness and a lack of confidence that resulted from my anxiety and depression/ MTHFR Mutation Enzyme Disorder. Sometimes everything is so overwhelming that I cannot function and often feel that I am a lesser human being that others, and I simply sometimes do not have the motivation to move forward. The world is so hard and difficult, however, the only thing that can drag me out of this hole is, ME. So anyone struggling like me, get the proper help you need like I have, but know that ultimately it is up to you to beat whatever you are facing. I dug myself a hole, and getting pulled out by somebody, or getting help, will not help me understand how to get out of the hole since I was helped. However, if I crawl out of the hole by myself, I would have learned how to get out and would know not to fall back into the hole. So, I have stayed climbing.
I battle my issues everyday, and more content including motivation, mental health, clothing, and workout related posts will surface soon now that I am back at writing. I needed a break, but I am back.
I will beat these diseases, and to all struggling, do not give up.
This is a short post updating the website. The last few months have been extremely difficult for me personally, and this has helped shaped my ideas for what I am going to deliver content wise with MaxinoutNBlackinout LLC. I am going to be writing about one or two posts a month, one regarding mental health and the other regarding lifting. In addition, much more clothes such as hoodies, joggers, leggings, and more will be coming out as well.
For some of us, going to the gym is an escape from reality. To others, it is training for a sport, a method to stay in shape, or a method to get into shape. But, the horrible grip of self-consciousness grasps some of us, and prevents us to go to the gym due to self-consciousness, and I have struggled with this before as well. Self-consciousness is a serious issue that can affect your mental health, physical health, and your gains. I have been battling self-consciousness my whole life, and here is my advice regarding self-consciousness and the gym; Just GO.
Self-Consciousness devours my mindset as I constantly compare my physique or strength or vascularity or speed or hops to other athletes’ abilities. This trumps my motivation to go to the gym as I constantly do not feel good enough or begin to feel weak or out of place. I feel as if everybody notices the gains that I have lost or the gains that I have not yet achieved. However, this is NOT how one can think. Constantly comparing oneself to another is a death wish as we can never be anybody but ourselves, so there simply is no point in comparison to others.
The only comparison you need is to yourself and what you used to be. Track your gains and strength, and this noticeable improvement if tracked ( improve through progressive overload in the gym) will help improve one’s self confidence.
You can never compare yourself to others or sell yourself short; and it is imperative that you do not let the feeling of others or social anxiety affect your ability to workout or lift. You just have to put your head down and keep going and realize that the gym needs to be a place of escape for us; not a place of mental stress. Do not be afraid to work out just because others are in different physical shape than us. Focus on you and becoming a better person, and soon that self-consciousness about going to the gym will turn to confidence.
After months and months of hard work and almost a year after maxinoutnblackinout.com was born, On July 19th, 2018, Maxinoutnblackinout officially became a recognizable business by the State of New York, and is officially termed: “MaxinoutNBlackinout LLC.”