Darkness

The nights when I’m all alone and quiet are hard. Its like my brain is racing, running, going so fast. I keep thinking. I have all these negative random thoughts of failure in my head. I sit here quietly as I hear the crickets and the train in the distance. It’s physically dark out, and the darkness saddens me. I am thinking so much, and I’m alone. I have no one to talk to, or connect with. The darkness surrounds me, physically then mentally. Let me describe what I mean by darkness. Darkness is like loneliness except its heavier. It yells at you, you’re all alone and its yelling negative thoughts at you. It reminds you of the past things that were good but now are gone forever. But the thing is, is that theyre not. They happened. So they still exist. They’ll never go away, and never let the darkness or the loneliness prevent you from thriving. When it yells, yell back

Roel Resources

This is a small shoutout to my Father, Ronald Roel whom owns an LLC called Roel Resources. His edits books, articles, etc. Contact him if you are ever interested. Also; more content and clothing coming soon.

ANNOUNCEMENT: I’M BACK

I’m just gonna say a few things with complete honesty. For a while, I fell off from lifting due to mental health, schoolwork, and other things you couldn’t even imagine. But the point is is that I’m back getting healthy, back in the gym, and working all the way back to where I was. I am taking supplements and protein regularly again, switched up my diet, and began to work back into the gym. First I must develop a schedule, a bodybuilding split with powerlifting form work to develop a basis, and then eventually I will ease my way back into powerlifting. Sometimes you fall into a hole and if you don’t pull yourself out soon enough, the hole gets deeper. That’s what happened to me; the hole got so deep and I hit pretty much rock bottom. So now I am climbing out. The comeback is officially starting. Updates soon.

The Entirety of My Mental Health Issues: Intertwined and Unfiltered

“Depression Fucking SUCKS” 

My name is Tommy Fucking Roel, and I’m here to tell you a little about my battles and what I have faced. I have an enzyme disorder in my brain called MTHFR Mutationwhere the B Enzyme Folic Acid cannot be broken down because I have an absence of the enzyme that does such, therefore I cannot naturally secrete normal levels of dopamine and serotonin. What’s this all mean? Depression, a fat fucking wad of depression. 

Secondly, I have G.A.D, or Generalized Anxiety Disorderwith frequent panic attacks, often 2-4 times a day, maybe 5. The anxiety has been nerve-wracking and crippling for almost ten years. Ever since I was a 13-year-old kid. Fuck man. 

Lastly, I am diagnosed with BPD, or Bi-Polar I. Yup, I’m a fucking nut. But if you’re fucking nuts like me, at least don’t be bland. 

Even though I’m not how I’m supposed to be, I still got some kick in me.

But,

To get you a little idea of how bad my shit really is; here is a list of medications that I have been on and failed. 

  1. Lexapro– This was the first one, an SSRI, WHICH I CLEARLY DIDN’T NEED. It made me fucking hallucinate. No joke.
  2. Lithium– This was firstly for my Bi-Polar. It made me feel alright, then crazy, then alright, then crazy. It also didn’t affect my acne very well.
  3. Abilify– Abilify is a mood stabilizer that, which is safe to say, doesn’t stabilize shit because I’m still sad.
  4. Seroquel: I was on Seroquel for a while and that helped a tiny bit, but it just made me hungry and gain weight.
  5. Rexulti: I have been on Rexulti for a month or so now, and felt minor improvements, however nothing major and the sadness relapsed.
  6. Lamotrigine: This med is the only med of these that I continue to take because it helps a little. Granted, I’m throwing it on the list of shit that’s failed because it hasn’t prevailed yet, but there is some room for hope still. 
  7. Divalproex: The newest med I’m on. How many meds does it take to get to the center of a depressed kid’s heart? The world may never know.

There you go, six or seven different meds (and a suicide attempt) later and I’m still here battling the demons. Now why would I ever be so open with my medical history? 

BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE IS AND ITS TIME TO OPEN MY MOUTH FOR EVERYONE.

No one has completely helped me through this. Now plenty of people and counseling have provided aid, but ultimately the sadness is my own battle. Me vs. Depression. 

And one day I WILL fucking win, man. In order to avoid delving in too deep and even furthermore than I have before, I wanted to tie everything I have written about anxiety and depression together. Here is a combined excerpt of what it feels like to be lonely, and what it feels like to be depressed.

ANXIETY: “Razors”

The world feels like a room full of razorblades and no matter where you move or walk, you’ll get cut, and that’s what anxiety is like, the world is the room and we’re in the center with all the razor blades around us and we just are scared of life and moving forward because we are scared we are going to get cut and hurt or that we might even get so hurt where bleed out. So, we stay stagnant and sit in our spot not moving so that we don’t get cut by the razors, we don’t get hurt. But how can we feel anything if we don’t move. Finally, the fear of the blades and anxiety becomes too much, so we need to move. but instead of making an incision in order to end it all, I realize that I cannot stay stagnant or end it, so I realize I must fight the razors. I put my head down, and I move forward towards the door. Despite all the pain from the razors and anxiety, I move. And finally, I think, I’ve made it out the door. I have plenty of scars and cuts and wounds. But here I am. Outside. 

  • Yup. In my best words, this is what anxiety feels like. I finally have been able to overcome some of it, but however, depression and anxiety have a funny but not-so funny way of relapsing.
  • On to the next one!

Depression, MTHFR Mutation, and Bi-Polar: What It Feels Like To Be Lonely

What It Feels Like To Be Lonely”

Being lonely is different than from what you think. It’s a mental thing. It’s not just being alone physically, not simply the physical absence of company causing you to yearn to surround yourself with individuals just because you want to socialize. You yearn to surround yourself with people around you so that the presence of others can distract you from loneliness. Loneliness, see, it is a constant and consistent feeling, the fear, the sadness, the desperation of wanting something, but yet you do not know what it is. You are lonely and empty, and the loneliness actually causes the emptiness, forcing you to try and find something, anything, to fill up that emptiness. You are alone. Mentally, even if you physically aren’t. Like mentioned before, You fill yourself in rooms full of people, familiar and friendly faces, momentarily filling up the deep darkness and emptiness inside of you. And for a brief moment, you are content. But in an instance your being content with the situation changes and the loneliness comes back, and the momentary happiness slips away into thin air. It is a vicious cycle. We strive to fill our loneliness. But we don’t know how to fill it, or what to fill it with. We try to find passions, careers, relationships. Or we use external methods of escape such as facing the bottle or taking that pill. But the artificial happiness created by external factors such as love and other drugs soon and suddenly evaporate. We find or search for pointless careers in which we try to find a purpose within such careers hoping we find our calling, or purpose. Some lucky ones find such purpose, but us, the lonely, cannot. Soon such loneliness will return to haunt us. The empty space within us will always fill up with momentary and artificial happiness before we are drained and stripped of such happiness or empathy, leaving us just as empty as we were before. But despite our faults, our loneliness, we smile through the pain, through the despair, the emptiness, and through the loneliness. We don’t know how to solve it, but we are trying to. There is no scientific cure for loneliness as I believe that loneliness correlates with our souls, not simply our genetic makeup regarding cognitive function. Loneliness is a matter of the soul, a soul who feels empty and alone, yet through the pain, we know we must persevere. So we smile, we are lonely, but we smile because that is exactly what we need to do. We cannot let our loneliness engulf us, we cannot let our sadness bury us. We cannot hide it, but what we can do, is fight it. Smile, day by day, fight by fight, battle with loneliness, and eventually one lone-full night, the loneliness will evaporate because we have won the fight. You cannot give up, be brave and be bright. Loneliness sucks, but we must persevere and not let it take our lives. Smile, because someday everything will be alright.

  • This, in every word, is how I have felt for the past, God I don’t know, nine years at least. I know I will win the battle and continue to fight, but God is with me and so are my parents, family, friends, and support from my medical professionals. Together we can beat our ravaging depression. NO MORE attempts. The only attempt we need is to further our lives, better ourselves, and never look back; only forward. Hold each others hands, hug the ones you love, because in times of turmoil these are the ones that truly matter to us, and make us realize that life itself is a gift because it gave us the ones we love. And it gave us the ability to love. And although I am massively and seemingly helplessly depressed, I am SO GLAD to be able to feel these feelings because before I could not feel anything at all. Now I feel again, and I feel alive, more-so than I have ever been. Without heartbreak, there will never be love. Because love is the only thing that can put our hearts back together. Never give up, never stop caring, never stop fighting, be proud of who you are, and spread the love as far and as wide as you can. Together, we shall conquer sadness by creating beauty. 
  • From one mind of an incredibly fucked up Kid,
  • Thank You
  • Tommy Roel
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Checking In; Mental Health and Moving Forward

Lately I have not been posting on my website, however, I still have been MaxinoutNBlackinout’. The reason for my not posting as often on this website is simply due to struggles that I am facing in real life. Since I have opened up before about depression and anxiety (Battling with Loneliness and “Let Me Tell You a Little Bit about Depression), I am going to once again.

Here we go again;

I haven’t been able to function for the last 6 months due to crippling anxiety and depression. Sometime it is so bad that I cannot get out of bed, and am having trouble getting to class and the gym due to self-consciousness and a lack of confidence that resulted from my anxiety and depression/ MTHFR Mutation Enzyme Disorder. Sometimes everything is so overwhelming that I cannot function and often feel that I am a lesser human being that others, and I simply sometimes do not have the motivation to move forward. The world is so hard and difficult, however, the only thing that can drag me out of this hole is, ME. So anyone struggling like me, get the proper help you need like I have, but know that ultimately it is up to you to beat whatever you are facing. I dug myself a hole, and getting pulled out by somebody, or getting help, will not help me understand how to get out of the hole since I was helped. However, if I crawl out of the hole by myself, I would have learned how to get out and would know not to fall back into the hole. So, I have stayed climbing.

I battle my issues everyday, and more content including motivation, mental health, clothing, and workout related posts will surface soon now that I am back at writing. I needed a break, but I am back.

I will beat these diseases, and to all struggling, do not give up.

MONBO 2019: What to Expect

This is a short post updating the website. The last few months have been extremely difficult for me personally, and this has helped shaped my ideas for what I am going to deliver content wise with MaxinoutNBlackinout LLC. I am going to be writing about one or two posts a month, one regarding mental health and the other regarding lifting. In addition, much more clothes such as hoodies, joggers, leggings, and more will be coming out as well.

Self-Conciousnesss and The Gym

For some of us, going to the gym is an escape from reality. To others, it is training for a sport, a method to stay in shape, or a method to get into shape. But, the horrible grip of self-consciousness grasps some of us, and prevents us to go to the gym due to self-consciousness, and I have struggled with this before as well. Self-consciousness is a serious issue that can affect your mental health, physical health, and your gains. I have been battling self-consciousness my whole life, and here is my advice regarding self-consciousness and the gym; Just GO.

Self-Consciousness devours my mindset as I constantly compare my physique or strength or vascularity or speed or hops to other athletes’ abilities. This trumps my motivation to go to the gym as I constantly do not feel good enough or begin to feel weak or out of place. I feel as if everybody notices the gains that I have lost or the gains that I have not yet achieved. However, this is NOT how one can think. Constantly comparing oneself to another is a death wish as we can never be anybody but ourselves, so there simply is no point in comparison to others.

The only comparison you need is to yourself and what you used to be. Track your gains and strength, and this noticeable improvement if tracked ( improve through progressive overload in the gym) will help improve one’s self confidence.

You can never compare yourself to others or sell yourself short; and it is imperative that you do not let the feeling of others or social anxiety affect your ability to workout or lift. You just have to put your head down and keep going and realize that the gym needs to be a place of escape for us; not a place of mental stress. Do not be afraid to work out just because others are in different physical shape than us. Focus on you and becoming a better person, and soon that self-consciousness about going to the gym will turn to confidence.

 

  • Thomas Roel
  • MaxinoutNBlackinout LLC

MaxinoutNBlackinout LLC: Becoming Official and Moving Forward

After months and months of hard work and almost a year after maxinoutnblackinout.com was born, On July 19th, 2018, Maxinoutnblackinout officially became a recognizable business by the State of New York, and is officially termed: “MaxinoutNBlackinout LLC.”

  • This is a gigantic step forward in the movement that I am trying to create. So let me reiterate: What it is next?
  • Moving Forward: Moving forward, Maxinoutnblackinout is evolving into an ideology and movement, and is beginning to represent more than balancing hard work with partying. It is becoming a representation of something much larger. Maxinout’ no longer simply stands for lifting and fitness/health related issues; It has evolved into a representation of responsibility and how to be responsible and balance things together. Such things I am adding to the website include articles related to Mental Health, Anxiety, Depression, and Suicide. I will discuss personal issues, delve into topics about balancing and handling and dealing with these issues, and I will stand up for all the people who cannot stand yet. Moving forward I am going to continue to write about this as it is not spoken about enough and is a huge issue. Fitness related, moving forward, I plan to begin to write workout programs specified for each individual at a cost related to the type of program. No, I am not certified quite yet, but I know what I’m talking about and I think I might know a little more than the personal trainer with a dad bod who lets his clients half rep less than 100 lbs on the bench press. So, I am adding this to the site in order to help people out at a cheap price. Additionally I want people knowing that we as humans need to be responsible for ourselves and our own actions, and that we need to be the best person that we can be.
  • Moving Forward: Blackinout’ no longer simply just represents having a balanced amount of fun after you finish all of your responsibilities. It also evolved into a mindset associated with staying positive and avoiding blackinout’ at times, because sometimes human beings, myself included, can have too much fun, and it is a reminder to stay aware of what you are doing, and making sure you stay positive in life. It DOES NOT ENGOURAGE BINGE DRINKING, it instead is meant to encourage people to BE THEMSELVES and stay true to who they are, and additionally to remind everyone that its okay to let loose once in a while. Be human.
  • But, be a human who maxes out and blacks out properly.
  • Join the family and get yourself some MaxinoutNBlackinout LLC clothing or gear, via online by PayPal or in person via Cash, Check, or an online phone app payment like Venmo, Google Pay, Cashapp, etc.
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