“What It Feels like to be Depressed” – By Tommy Roel


“What It Feels Like to Be Depressed”


Jesus, man. Where Do I. start. Being depressed isn’t a feeling of a self-pity type or temporary sadness. It’s an inevitable mental health disorder, MDD (Major Depressive Disorder.) It’s like no matter what I do, have, or experience, I can’t anything appreciate because this disease strips me from almost all emotions. So many people struggle differently in life and I am blessed with a wonderful family; so, you’d assume I shouldn’t be sad. But it’s not what you have in life, it’s what your brain gives you; which sometimes ultimately determines how you feel. You can’t control your mental health. Though I appreciate everything and try to share as often as I can, or make people laugh, I never truly feel content or happy. I mean what even is happy, for Christ’s sake? I hide behind smiles for over ten years, go through rough patches, and now it’s the worst, I’m 24 and behind in my life. And People act as if I use depression as an excuse sometimes. Like no; I can’t leave bed on certain days, I cry my eyes out, I get suicidal, I don’t even leave my room. I punch holes in the walls and scream at the top of my lungs only to break down even more. It’s like I can’t even sleep because I mad that I have to wake up the next day feeling the same way. Depression isn’t a joke or a word to be thrown around loosely. This disease absolutely cripples me to the point where, not just frustration of waking up sad always; makes me witheverynight that I just wish I won’t wake up in the morning. I see psychiatrists, therapists, etc. They help, but not fully. That’s because, and I use this analogy a lot; If you fall in a hole, which in this case represents depressions, and someone pulls you out or helps pull you out partially, you didn’t learn how to climb out the hole yourself. You didn’t beat your depression. Though people like me need help, some demons only we can conquer. I know to fight, but it’s so hard because shit doesn’t seem to get better. I feel lower than all my peers. I’ve never been in love. I have no college degree. I’m lost, which makes me more depressed. You want to give up so bad because it’s so easy. I’ve been led on, cheated on, bullied, lied to, attacked, had my heart broken, have had to deal with endless mental health, former addiction issues crippling me in many ways. Yet, mistakenly, I began abused drugs to avoid pain, but they fade away; which, but my pain does not, as returns more viciously than ever. I get social paranoia, like people laugh at me, stare, or talk shit. I’d been taken advantage of financially, robbed… It’s kind of like you don’t know why you’re here. It’s like, “why does every day suck?” I don’t want pity, I want understanding. It sounds like complaints but I’m describing emotions, so do not feel bad for me please. But drugs are NEVER the answer which I can’t stress enough. That just makes everything so much worse.

There’s a dark hole inside of me that I can’t figure out what to fill it with, and I don’t even know how deep the pit is. And like I said about hole; I can only climb out myself. It’s like walking around without a heart, yet pretending it exists. I feel nothing, care about nothing, I’m just… never sure where I belong. I’ve given up on certain things in life. I discourage myself and hear voices in my head telling me how horrible I am and that I don’t belong anywhere and that I’m just a huge loser and dropout piece of shit. I don’t really have dreams, only nightmares, because I’m tired of some of them not coming true. I keep chasing them, but they are merely dreams, and may never turn to reality. I can’t accept anything good about myself. I don’t care about trying to be happy yet I do at the same time. It’s just every time I’m close, something happens causing depression. It’s like an inescapable bully except you’re bullying yourself, and being bullied by the world despite them being un-intentionally harmful; it’s just how depression feels. You feel left out, lonely, like no one likes you. One day, MAYBE, it can get better, but another terrible factor to depression is that you don’t know if it will. But regardless, life just hurts badly sometimes. But the thing is, we can’t let it break us. We keep fighting. We can’t stop, because if we don’t keep fighting, depression can engulf us. So, we need to stick our heads high, and not let it break us. We must fight our depression, and instead of letting it bring us down, we must use it as motivation, and the darkness we experience; we turn into light. The sadness we experience, we fight, and use the sadness motivate us to create something beautiful. It can, might, and maybe will take a long time, but we need to fight every second and take this darkness, and churn it and work to make it light again, and turn sadness into happiness, and depression, into beauty. Let this disease not cripple us, no matter how bad it is because what we have to do, is cripple the disease itself. Though it may be hard to see, life is beautiful when it can be, and it’s up to us to create that beauty and to never give in. I am depressed. But I am a fighter, and depression, go fuck yourself bro. I’m not going to let you win. I will. And I’m going to use my prior darkness, and sadness, to create something beautiful. Light said, the world can be dark, but we can provide light and channel pain to beauty. And never give up ever, and always understand you’re not alone. You got me. And It will be ok. Because we all have the strength to beat this. I believe it. One of my idol’s, Martin Luther King JR. said “Darkness cannot drive out darkness. Only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate. Only love can do that.”

I pray for everyone struggling, know you are not alone, and that we can beat this all, together.

  • Your friend, Tommy

What Is Love?

What’s Love? What exactly is it? We tell each other we love each other all the time. People fall in love; they engage in relationships in which they profess such love to each other. But this love, the love I have, is different than falling in love. This love, is a word in which we use to simply tell others that we care. Being in love with somebody is different than the love for caring for others. Love, see, love is being there for the people you care about when they most need it. Love is waking back up at three or four AM just to make sure your person whom you care about is okay. Love is doing anything for others no matter what it does to you. Love is making people feel happier, reminding them of their incredible personalities, features, and other aptitudes and characteristics. Love is making people you care about smile and laugh. Love is surprising someone with something by showing them how much you care through wonderful actions. Regular love is the simplistic way of showing other human beings how much we care about them. People say you cannot love somebody else if you do not love yourself, and I can say from first-hand experience, that that is simply not true. Because I love all for whom I care about. So much, that I have so little love left inside of me to love myself. I give and give and give all of my love away to ensure the happiness of others for whom I care about, and I do so, so often that I simply run out of the love inside of me as I have given it away to so many others. And they deserve such love, because everybody deserves to be happy. And I want to be the one to deliver such smiles and happiness. Though I may self-destruct from the absence of self-love, I will remain as strong as I can, because I view myself as a sacrificial human being, dedicating my life to helping others and making sure that they feel loved. It is extremely difficult to live with on a constant basis as not being able to love yourself is an extreme difficulty. However, when it is all said and done and the sun is set, I will be content knowing that I have helped others become happy, and ultimately, I have prevented some sadness in this dark, challenging world. The world is dark, and I am just trying to bring some light back into the lives of people who need it. That, to me, is what love is.

Suggested Supplements and their supplemental effect, Foods, Techniques and Compression For; Bone, Joint, Ligament, and Other Pain

I am diagnosed with Shin Splints and Osgood Shclatters (its where the ligament frequently unattached from itself during running; the ligament gets pulled apart). I have random wrist issues too. My whole life I played sports. From T-ball and Soccer Leagues or Practices on side as a child, to playing basketball, baseball, and lacrosse from 5th-9th Grade, for the exception of basketball which I played from fifth grade to 12th grade; four years in high school (2 years J.V, 2 years Varsity) I was ran cross country for two seasons, one of which I took seriously. I played Lacrosse (defense) in 6th and 9th grade. I even ultimate frisky for a season (few months for fun at school); I boxed, did Karate, and MMA on the Side. I’ve gotten into street fights, not going to lie. I bodybuilded heavily until I began to powerlifting heavily, then I integrated strongman and olympic weightlifting movements. All the running, the Jumping, jump roping and insane amount of lifting (especially heavy Squats and leg exercises, with jumping for working out too( combined with my diagnosed Osgood Shlatters and shin splints really damages and injures my wrists and knees a ton. But I’m working my way back. I decided to create a list of supplements to show you guys supplements, ointments, compression, and advice on joint paint, etc.

List of Suggested Knee Compression: I Suggest casually using knee compression via compression underwear or using the thin knee sleeves CopperFit for casual relaxing compression. For Lifting, I Suggest SBD, or STRong Sloves. Rehband’s are great as well. I like to wear the CopperFit’s under even.

Creams and Ointments, Hemp, Tools, Advice; I also Suggest frequently using Tiger Baum (menthol feeling; cooling pain), Arnica (Pain reduction, joint aid), Aloe (For Dry Skin), Keratin (stronger/healthier skin and skin composure), CBD Joint Muscle Cream (hundreds of studies proving its healing benefits). CBD tinctures are the seemingly most helpful. T-relief is a good brand for Arnica and Aloe cream, by the way. (Smoking Hemp/CBD can be helpful too if you are a smoker, just saying). I suggest taking hot and cold showers before and after you workout (cold first is my personal go to), take heating pads and heat them up; apply them to your knees and low back for muscle relaxation. For pain, ice muscles and injuries or take Ice baths. the Spirit Tiger Tail, Theracane, and various foam rollers of different sizes and types are also helpful tools to dig deep into muscle fascia, and knots. Sports Massages or regular massage therapists, or a clinic, physical therapists, athletic trainers, and chiropractors are all very helpful professionals too. I enjoy Ice Baths too. Even hitting the Steam Room and Sauna can help. Also Stretch Every Day and work on your posture!

List of Suggested Supplements; Their Effects;

  • Elderberry: Packed with Vitamins and Antioxidants to Aid Immune System, Lessens bodily stress, protects the heart, helps with bodily inflammation (of joints for example) – derived from flowers and berries.
  • Zinc: Bone Metabolism and mineralization, and minimal Protein formation
  • D3; Stronger Bones and a healthy immune system but Fat Soluble.
  • Magnesium: Helps make protein, bone, and DNA. Also regulates nerve and muscle function.
  • Calcium: Helps muscles moves, builds build Stronger Bones, Bone Composition, structure and hardness. Teeth are bone as well. Also required for the protein production.
  • Biotin: A B Vitamin otherwise known as Vitamin H, competes our skin, hair and nails, which I suggest to be used on a daily basis for minor protection and healthier skin.
  • L-Arginine: An amino acid that increases blood flow so necessary supplements and Nutrients flow throughout the body for effectiveness.
  • Collagen: -Protein That is found in bone, skin and muscle. Helps strengthen your skin and. bone.
  • Glucosamine Chrondrotin KSM-66: A Strain of the supplement; KSM-66 is the best. It Is used to relax the body of stress
  • Rhelora; Natural Well Being
  • Rhodiola Rosea; Calms the Body
  • L-theanine – an Amino Acid that Produces a sense of bodily relaxation
  • Turmeric and Curcumin. An Orange root often uses ad powder for decorating food, however is extremely helpful fun inflammation and pain, can help battle Hay Disease, Cancerous Substance, is a powerful antioxidant. It is fat soluble and also may Help with Arthritis.
  • Kelp; Natural sources of Idone; in safe does helps healing damaged cells
  • BCAA’s: L-Valine, L-Leucine, L-Isoleucine: Essential proteins for your body to create peptide chains to rebuild stronger muscles.
  • Obviously, Whey, Isolate, Casein, Mass-builder and protein with Glucosamine (amino acid for recover) for recovery protein sources.
  • Food suggestions: Mixture of Fat-Free,Regular Whole Milk, Almond Milk for Dairy; A source protein and fat to help break down substances like D3. Meet products like Bison and Buffalo are higher in protein, creatine, amino acids than Cows, with less fat too. Also We need healthy fats like Polyunsaturated and monounsaturated fats so we have, subcutaneous fat (fat between skin muscle, protection in a sense before the dispose tissue protection your organs) that fat, just as stated, is often used to protect vital organs controlling muscles that are activated when needed; Potassium, Creatine, etc.
  • Some very simple medications to take simply are Tylenol/(Acetopminophen) Advil/Ibuprofen; Over the counter Pain-Relief Meds
  • Apple Cider Vinegar; weightless, kills bacteria, skin protection
  • BCAA’s help build muscle that is broken down; broken down glucose used in workouts,  results in lactic acid and soreness; evidentally resulting in being sore after you lift.
  • You breakdown and Restrengthen and rebuild stronger and then bigger muscles, by consuming protein, proper rest afterwards, and –
  • #2 BCAA’s can be drank before during or after a workout; BCAA’s are peptide chains that create proteins and are used for energy, so realistically having BCAA’s Before After and During is a great way too build muscle, the more lifting you do, more flexibility/stretching will be needed, but added flexibility can help reduce soreness, tightness, and enable you to perform movements you couldn’t before due to gained mobility after many repetitions and workouts. The reason I speak about this is because muscles produce the force that rotates bones around their axis. Without stronger muscles, you have weaker bones, because there is less muscle protecting it; reducing the ability to rotate bones around their axis within a more powerful manner; without muscle (or having weak muscles) ;  

The strengthened muscle and bones/joints/ligaments/skin cannot be as flexible since the muscles are not large enough to produce enough force to rotate your bones around specific axis’ in your body,   (top athlete level, obviously all humans have muscle); flexibility in your bones joints ligaments, can be affected by muscle mass due to tightness if one lacks flexibility, as well.

These are all things that have affected and helped my joint pains.

Happy MLK J.R Day!

This is quick excerpt.

Happy Martin Luther King J.R day (God rest his soul) to everybody out there. I idolize that man because he had such passion to change the world and was capable and was a beautiful human being who wanted to change the world for the better, and he was willing to give his life. He fought for freedom of hatred, and for Civil Rights Movements, He instilled into us that any form of discrimination is vile, and believed us all to be human. “Darkness cannot drive out darkness. Only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate. Only love can do that.”-MLK J.R. He had a dream. It became true. MLK J.R inspires me to be a leader and better person. Martin Luther King helped change the world in. Beautiful manner at that time period. And in this stressful painful world we are living in, rattled with political issues, racial injustice, police brutality, religious discrimination, and worse. But we especially need to Acknowledge this man today; because no matter what we look like we have to suppress this evil together, as one. One love to all, and MLK thank you for being a role mode to me, and to millions,

Goodbye 2020

I have dealt with many, many issues this year, but I’m getting back on my feet. I’ve worked hard and progressed the company and done as much writing on my books, and sold as many shirts apparel as I could, and I incorporated The Sponsorship and Ambassador Aspect. If you are still interested, Email me @Troel2011.com. I am still working to improve step by step, everyday, by battling my mental Health. I am working with my twin brother to create new articles on the website as well, including a lot more Maxinoutnblackinout’ lifting material.

Fuck COV-19, lets pray for a better year. Happy New Years and Happy Holidays to all. Stay safe

Quick Announcement! New Clothes available: Roel Resources and Cove Strong, and my Book’s Has Been Being worked

We have the availability to use our own shirt’s and gear to save finances by using bulk order using a heat press, soon once I save for a $1200 press I will be able to make more material. I am also launching Breast Cancer Awareness Month Shirts (though it passed in October), St. Patricks Day Green MONBO shirts, More Suicide Prevention shirts in March and that is is May. Also’ I’m launching special “MLK” BLM shirts too. I am also Working with my father on his own business, Roel resources, an LLC, whereas we shall work together to write. I’m getting back into lifting as mobility gets better. Random Update; I will probably be working for DPW in my city, (“Department of Public works”; for extra money). New Gains updates and posts will be more active soon,


Maxx S. Sports Blog:


Maxx S. Sports Blog

s/0 to my loving cousin and his wife Amanda 12.12.22020

1 2 3 8