Let me Tell You A Little Bit About Depression:
“My life, What It’s Like, How to Treat Other’s with depression, and How to Handle it.”
Here is another mental health article. I am getting very personal with this one and opening up even more. For years since I was thirteen, I have been struggling with self-consciousness, bouts of depressive episodes and suicidal thoughts, anger issues, loneliness, and past bullying which affects me today along with constant rejection my whole life. I have been rejected simply because I was being myself, and who I was; and was not accepted. I’ve loathed myself forever, made constant mistakes, been diagnosed with the enzyme disorder that I have spoken about before. I lack a sufficient amount of the enzyme MTHFR in my brain, which is a catabolic protein/enzyme that breaks down the B Vitamin Folic Acid. When released in your brain, Folic Acid releases neurotransmitters like Dopamine and Serotonin from your brain; the chemicals that regulate your mood and happiness/sadness. I was unable to release the chemicals because the enzyme MTHFR could not break down and release the chemicals, therefore I experienced symptoms extremely similar to depression. This required me to take a blood test and urinalysis, which also revealed that I had Generalized Anxiety Order or GAD, alongside with Panic Attacks. I additionally am prescribed medication because I have anger issues and trouble focusing on school and keeping my mind focused on priorities; as I have a scrambled egg for a brain as my thoughts are constantly all over the place. I’ve lost family members. I struggle with losing the love for my passions sometimes. Friendships and Relationships with significant others and Family members all are stressful and are all existent twenty-four-seven, three-sixty-five. I have been through it all. Doctors help. But the true ones who can help the most; are people like me, because we understand it better than just the science. We, the veterans of loneliness and sadness, understand things better than the doctors, because doctors studied it. I am it.
So now that you know I’m not a pussy and aren’t lying about my many flaws, let me truthfully tell you about what experiencing immense depressive episodes are like (basically what depression is like, but that is not my technical diagnosis so I use appropriate terms as to not offend those actually diagnosed with MDD). And secondly, being “depressed,” just means you have been feeling very sad, so watch your syntax if you’re around a diagnosed individual; they may take offense. Being diagnosed means you have chemical imbalances in your brain causing the disorder and therefore you cannot control it.
TIME TO SEND IT
Its deep and dark and hungry and relentless. It’s a deep trench that God chose to dig for those whom are diagnosed. Maybe I deserved it, but ultimately, it is nobody’s fault, really. But depression, it’s not just being sad about something. It’s being sad about just; nothing. You’re fucking sad and alone, and you shouldn’t be, you know shouldn’t be. There is no reason for the pain we are experiencing but nevertheless, there it is; pain. You feel the depression. It’s excruciatingly difficult to feel pain for no reason. It’s like; there are so many other people in this world who have been through worse things than the depressed have been through; but they don’t feel this way. So, why do we? It’s not like we want to feel this way, or have a reason. And we especially don’t want to try and act as if our mundane lives are so much more painful than those of others who have gone through worse. But don’t feel bad for us, we, me, whatever. We, or at least I, don’t want fucking pity, I already fucking hate myself. I don’t want anyone else feeling bad for me. Those undiagnosed with a form of Depression can’t relate to the agony, or the tragedies that happened to me. It, Depressive Disorder, is not relatable to others because its due to chemical imbalances in our brains. We have this weight holding onto us, and this weight is not just on our shoulders, but on our entire fucking body. It is just dragging us down further and further making us feel as if we are so beneath everybody and everything; completing our feeling of worthlessness. We feel empty, lonely, angry, sad, confused, and guilty for being sad without reason. It is such a burden that is extremely misunderstood. Sometimes things feel so bad you just want to end it all, and I can’t tell you how many times I have come close to flatling myself. But I didn’t. Do you know what it is like, to shakily hold a knife up to your esophagus ready to end it all? But then you just can’t do it and throw the knife because you know you can’t, and all you have is tears, emptiness, and questions. But, what you still have too, is your life, and the ability to GET BETTER.
See, the thing is; there really is NO secret way to heal depression. Medication helps numb the pain until the pain adapts to the medication, which then causes the repetitive cycle of the medication never being enough or correct. You can talk to people, like your friends or family or a therapist like a psychologist or psychiatrist. But that just helps with temporary relief as you get things off your chest and gain support from friends. Now, regardless that the aid from medication and talking to people is temporary, I still suggest that one would do both as they are still steps that can help. But speaking from a personal level, I can tell you the one thing that I have been able to do that has made my depression manageable and made my life not so suicidal. These two other things, are love and laughter. These two feelings actually help me outweigh the depression sometimes. I battle my depression by making people feel loved, cared about, happy, and important. I drown out the cries of sadness with laughs of joy and drown depression using jokes and laughter and by spreading love. To me, being able to make other people happier, and possibly lessening their depression if they have some kind, through simplistic laughter, truly helps me feel better. It doesn’t completely take away the pain, however it certainly does the trick a lot better than the medications and is completely natural. Laughter and love do not come from a lab; they come from the human heart. They warm my soul and for a little while, the depression lowers. This is my suggestion to all who struggle with a diagnosis. Everybody should try to take their sadness and spur it into something greater and more powerful, and use that sadness to motivate us to create happiness. Spread love. Tell the people you love that you love them, compliment them just to make them smile, hug them to prove that you care, be there for them when they need you. Make somebody laugh instead of seeing them crying. Spread love throughout the world and some love will be returned back towards you, and that love is genuine and not fake. This true love I receive from people who I care about genuinely helps lower the depression. Laughter, being funny, and making jokes also help me escape the depression. Life is so tough, and to be able to make laughter out of misery is simply amazing. I am so thankful for jokes. To wrap it up, as Neal Brennan said in his latest Netflix standup comedy special “3 Mics,”; “You know sometimes the world can feel like a room that’s filling up with water, and for me to be able to think of a joke is like an air bubble, like a psst, psst. Like I can take the oxygen I get into my lungs and it can carry me forward. Like things can be overwhelming, and scary, and hurtful, but thankfully, my brain can descramble things and form a joke. Like just for one second, things slow down, and I can win, like I can beat life. It’s the best. And its so personal, and something I’m so grateful for. Jokes.”
Life is hard and overwhelming, but use your pain to motivate yourself to form a joke or to spread laughter and love, allowing yourself to breathe just for one moment. And in that moment, as Neal describes in which I agree, we can win. We can beat depression and beat life, just for a few moments. This is how I am overcoming my depression. This has been what it’s like for me. And this has been my advice. I wish all of you the greatest of luck and support, because even if I don’t know you, I care. Stay strong everyone.
- Tommy Roel
- Maxin Out n Blackin Out
- 1-800-273-8255 (Suicide Prevention Hotline):