This is quick excerpt.
Happy Martin Luther King J.R day (God rest his soul) to everybody out there. I idolize that man because he had such passion to change the world and was capable and was a beautiful human being who wanted to change the world for the better, and he was willing to give his life. He fought for freedom of hatred, and for Civil Rights Movements, He instilled into us that any form of discrimination is vile, and believed us all to be human. “Darkness cannot drive out darkness. Only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate. Only love can do that.”-MLK J.R. He had a dream. It became true. MLK J.R inspires me to be a leader and better person. Martin Luther King helped change the world in. Beautiful manner at that time period. And in this stressful painful world we are living in, rattled with political issues, racial injustice, police brutality, religious discrimination, and worse. But we especially need to Acknowledge this man today; because no matter what we look like we have to suppress this evil together, as one. One love to all, and MLK thank you for being a role mode to me, and to millions,
This is off topic, but I want to use Arther Fleck, A.K.A the Joker, as an example as to what mental health can do to you.
This is my personal life, but I want people to know I’m not afraid to show it.
I heard a quote one time. It said, “Where there is ruin there is hope for a treasure.” Many days in my life, I have felt like I had been ruined. But unfortunately, things can be ruined; buildings can, as can we. But, the most important part is that, the building, or us (metaphorically), we don’t need to stay or stay feeling ruined because we can rebuild. We may not be the same building as before. But instead, as the construction begins, we start over again and we fight as hard as we can Brick by brick, we rebuild ourselves and at the end, we are going to be a brand new stronger building. A new building, and a newly rebuilt person, knows what it’s like to be torn down, and knows what it’s like to work to stand back up. Yes, it takes a long time, a long fucking time. But life has a funny way of letting us know when exactly that time is. But it will come. We just need to let go of the old rubble. We gotta search through the rubble, set it asides, and begin our newfound construction.
This is dedicated to a close friend, hope you see this.
Uncle Gary This is For You
In a few months it’ll be five years. I’ll never forget the moment I found out you were gone. I’ll never forget your smile and your pure heart. I’ll never foget my speach I wrote about you for @portledge_school and I’ll never forget the Essay I wrote about you in creative writing clsss two years ago in Tampa. Everything in my life is a derivitive of you, and becoming like you Uncle Gary, was probably the greatest thing I have ever done. I miss you so much and wish you were here to guide me through me mental health. But I know you’re kickin it up there. Thank you for all your motivation. If it weren’t for you, I wouldnt be a Powerlifter, a mental health activist, or a writer. Without you Uncle Gary, I would not be the Tommy that I am today. Hug your loved ones close and tell them you love them everytime you see them because you can lose anything in an instance; I did. I lost Gary. But through his spirit I found myself. I pray for you everyday and every morning I wake up and look at these photos. Thanks for teaching me everything Uncle Gary.
Before Gary passed, we sort of witheld his private mental health website blog, and are finally comfortable enough to share Garys struggles with the world.
Check out my deceased Uncle Gary’s blog; Shattered Mind: Surviving Mental Illness.
And I’m going to follow his footsteps through Maxinoutnblackinout. I love you endlessly Gar. You lost yours when it should have been mine. But you have us all life again. I fucking miss you. I fucking love you
This is a new project I am testing out and launching for the website. I want to try to provide all my skills for people in one big effort. Now though there is free advice on this website, this deal provides much more than that. Every aspect described will be carried out to its fullest extend and I intend to help people full time if possible. So anything regarding dieting or training and programming will be taken extremely seriously and will be specialized and designed specifically for the individual. Additionally I will make myself available as a 24/7 mental health hotline. Here is what is included in the deal;
MaxinoutNBlackinout LLC Package Deals
Yearly MONBO Package
*One time payment of $250 or quarterly (every 4 months) payments of $63.33
*EVERYTIME SOMETHING IS NEEDED REGARDING PROGRAMMING OR MENTAL HEALTH I DELVE FULL MEASURE SO THAT YOU CAN RECEIVE THE BEST POSSIBLE ADVICE.
Payment: PayPal Via Website, or I accept Venmo, Cashapp, Google Pay, and Zelle online. In person I accept Checks, Gift Cards, Pre-Paid Cards, and Cash.
SOON we will be accepting Debit or Credit.
I dont wanna live
But I don’t wanna die
Why is it so hard to exist
Why at night do I cry
Why’s it so easy to love
But never easy to forgive
Life is easily a gift
But gifts are short lived.
“Depression Fucking SUCKS”
My name is Tommy Fucking Roel, and I’m here to tell you a little about my battles and what I have faced. I have an enzyme disorder in my brain called MTHFR Mutationwhere the B Enzyme Folic Acid cannot be broken down because I have an absence of the enzyme that does such, therefore I cannot naturally secrete normal levels of dopamine and serotonin. What’s this all mean? Depression, a fat fucking wad of depression.
Secondly, I have G.A.D, or Generalized Anxiety Disorderwith frequent panic attacks, often 2-4 times a day, maybe 5. The anxiety has been nerve-wracking and crippling for almost ten years. Ever since I was a 13-year-old kid. Fuck man.
Lastly, I am diagnosed with BPD, or Bi-Polar I. Yup, I’m a fucking nut. But if you’re fucking nuts like me, at least don’t be bland.
Even though I’m not how I’m supposed to be, I still got some kick in me.
To get you a little idea of how bad my shit really is; here is a list of medications that I have been on and failed.
There you go, six or seven different meds (and a suicide attempt) later and I’m still here battling the demons. Now why would I ever be so open with my medical history?
BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE IS AND ITS TIME TO OPEN MY MOUTH FOR EVERYONE.
No one has completely helped me through this. Now plenty of people and counseling have provided aid, but ultimately the sadness is my own battle. Me vs. Depression.
And one day I WILL fucking win, man. In order to avoid delving in too deep and even furthermore than I have before, I wanted to tie everything I have written about anxiety and depression together. Here is a combined excerpt of what it feels like to be lonely, and what it feels like to be depressed.
The world feels like a room full of razorblades and no matter where you move or walk, you’ll get cut, and that’s what anxiety is like, the world is the room and we’re in the center with all the razor blades around us and we just are scared of life and moving forward because we are scared we are going to get cut and hurt or that we might even get so hurt where bleed out. So, we stay stagnant and sit in our spot not moving so that we don’t get cut by the razors, we don’t get hurt. But how can we feel anything if we don’t move? Finally, the fear of the blades and anxiety becomes too much, so we need to move. but instead of making an incision in order to end it all, I realize that I cannot stay stagnant or end it, so I realize I must fight the razors. I put my head down, and I move forward towards the door. Despite all the pain from the razors and anxiety, I move. And finally, I think, I’ve made it out the door. I have plenty of scars and cuts and wounds. But here I am. Outside.
Depression, MTHFR Mutation, and Bi-Polar: What It Feels Like To Be Lonely
What It Feels Like To Be Lonely”
Being lonely is different than from what you think. It’s a mental thing. It’s not just being alone physically, not simply the physical absence of company causing you to yearn to surround yourself with individuals just because you want to socialize. You yearn to surround yourself with people around you so that the presence of others can distract you from loneliness. Loneliness, see, it is a constant and consistent feeling, the fear, the sadness, the desperation of wanting something, but yet you do not know what it is. You are lonely and empty, and the loneliness actually causes the emptiness, forcing you to try and find something, anything, to fill up that emptiness. You are alone. Mentally, even if you physically aren’t. Like mentioned before, You fill yourself in rooms full of people, familiar and friendly faces, momentarily filling up the deep darkness and emptiness inside of you. And for a brief moment, you are content. But in an instance your being content with the situation changes and the loneliness comes back, and the momentary happiness slips away into thin air. It is a vicious cycle. We strive to fill our loneliness. But we don’t know how to fill it, or what to fill it with. We try to find passions, careers, relationships. Or we use external methods of escape such as facing the bottle or taking that pill. But the artificial happiness created by external factors such as love and other drugs soon and suddenly evaporate. We find or search for pointless careers in which we try to find a purpose within such careers hoping we find our calling, or purpose. Some lucky ones find such purpose, but us, the lonely, cannot. Soon such loneliness will return to haunt us. The empty space within us will always fill up with momentary and artificial happiness before we are drained and stripped of such happiness or empathy, leaving us just as empty as we were before. But despite our faults, our loneliness, we smile through the pain, through the despair, the emptiness, and through the loneliness. We don’t know how to solve it, but we are trying to. There is no scientific cure for loneliness as I believe that loneliness correlates with our souls, not simply our genetic makeup regarding cognitive function. Loneliness is a matter of the soul, a soul who feels empty and alone, yet through the pain, we know we must persevere. So we smile, we are lonely, but we smile because that is exactly what we need to do. We cannot let our loneliness engulf us, we cannot let our sadness bury us. We cannot hide it, but what we can do, is fight it. Smile, day by day, fight by fight, battle with loneliness, and eventually one lone-full night, the loneliness will evaporate because we have won the fight. You cannot give up, be brave and be bright. Loneliness sucks, but we must persevere and not let it take our lives. Smile, because someday everything will be alright.
Lately I have not been posting on my website, however, I still have been MaxinoutNBlackinout’. The reason for my not posting as often on this website is simply due to struggles that I am facing in real life. Since I have opened up before about depression and anxiety (Battling with Loneliness and “Let Me Tell You a Little Bit about Depression), I am going to once again.
Here we go again;
I haven’t been able to function for the last 6 months due to crippling anxiety and depression. Sometime it is so bad that I cannot get out of bed, and am having trouble getting to class and the gym due to self-consciousness and a lack of confidence that resulted from my anxiety and depression/ MTHFR Mutation Enzyme Disorder. Sometimes everything is so overwhelming that I cannot function and often feel that I am a lesser human being that others, and I simply sometimes do not have the motivation to move forward. The world is so hard and difficult, however, the only thing that can drag me out of this hole is, ME. So anyone struggling like me, get the proper help you need like I have, but know that ultimately it is up to you to beat whatever you are facing. I dug myself a hole, and getting pulled out by somebody, or getting help, will not help me understand how to get out of the hole since I was helped. However, if I crawl out of the hole by myself, I would have learned how to get out and would know not to fall back into the hole. So, I have stayed climbing.
I battle my issues everyday, and more content including motivation, mental health, clothing, and workout related posts will surface soon now that I am back at writing. I needed a break, but I am back.
I will beat these diseases, and to all struggling, do not give up.