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“What It Feels like to be Depressed” – By Tommy Roel
“What It Feels Like to Be Depressed”
Jesus, man. Where Do I. start. Being depressed isn’t a feeling of a self-pity type or temporary sadness. It’s an inevitable mental health disorder, MDD (Major Depressive Disorder.) It’s like no matter what I do, have, or experience, I can’t anything appreciate because this disease strips me from almost all emotions. So many people struggle differently in life and I am blessed with a wonderful family; so, you’d assume I shouldn’t be sad. But it’s not what you have in life, it’s what your brain gives you; which sometimes ultimately determines how you feel. You can’t control your mental health. Though I appreciate everything and try to share as often as I can, or make people laugh, I never truly feel content or happy. I mean what even is happy, for Christ’s sake? I hide behind smiles for over ten years, go through rough patches, and now it’s the worst, I’m 24 and behind in my life. And People act as if I use depression as an excuse sometimes. Like no; I can’t leave bed on certain days, I cry my eyes out, I get suicidal, I don’t even leave my room. I punch holes in the walls and scream at the top of my lungs only to break down even more. It’s like I can’t even sleep because I mad that I have to wake up the next day feeling the same way. Depression isn’t a joke or a word to be thrown around loosely. This disease absolutely cripples me to the point where, not just frustration of waking up sad always; makes me witheverynight that I just wish I won’t wake up in the morning. I see psychiatrists, therapists, etc. They help, but not fully. That’s because, and I use this analogy a lot; If you fall in a hole, which in this case represents depressions, and someone pulls you out or helps pull you out partially, you didn’t learn how to climb out the hole yourself. You didn’t beat your depression. Though people like me need help, some demons only we can conquer. I know to fight, but it’s so hard because shit doesn’t seem to get better. I feel lower than all my peers. I’ve never been in love. I have no college degree. I’m lost, which makes me more depressed. You want to give up so bad because it’s so easy. I’ve been led on, cheated on, bullied, lied to, attacked, had my heart broken, have had to deal with endless mental health, former addiction issues crippling me in many ways. Yet, mistakenly, I began abused drugs to avoid pain, but they fade away; which, but my pain does not, as returns more viciously than ever. I get social paranoia, like people laugh at me, stare, or talk shit. I’d been taken advantage of financially, robbed… It’s kind of like you don’t know why you’re here. It’s like, “why does every day suck?” I don’t want pity, I want understanding. It sounds like complaints but I’m describing emotions, so do not feel bad for me please. But drugs are NEVER the answer which I can’t stress enough. That just makes everything so much worse.
There’s a dark hole inside of me that I can’t figure out what to fill it with, and I don’t even know how deep the pit is. And like I said about hole; I can only climb out myself. It’s like walking around without a heart, yet pretending it exists. I feel nothing, care about nothing, I’m just… never sure where I belong. I’ve given up on certain things in life. I discourage myself and hear voices in my head telling me how horrible I am and that I don’t belong anywhere and that I’m just a huge loser and dropout piece of shit. I don’t really have dreams, only nightmares, because I’m tired of some of them not coming true. I keep chasing them, but they are merely dreams, and may never turn to reality. I can’t accept anything good about myself. I don’t care about trying to be happy yet I do at the same time. It’s just every time I’m close, something happens causing depression. It’s like an inescapable bully except you’re bullying yourself, and being bullied by the world despite them being un-intentionally harmful; it’s just how depression feels. You feel left out, lonely, like no one likes you. One day, MAYBE, it can get better, but another terrible factor to depression is that you don’t know if it will. But regardless, life just hurts badly sometimes. But the thing is, we can’t let it break us. We keep fighting. We can’t stop, because if we don’t keep fighting, depression can engulf us. So, we need to stick our heads high, and not let it break us. We must fight our depression, and instead of letting it bring us down, we must use it as motivation, and the darkness we experience; we turn into light. The sadness we experience, we fight, and use the sadness motivate us to create something beautiful. It can, might, and maybe will take a long time, but we need to fight every second and take this darkness, and churn it and work to make it light again, and turn sadness into happiness, and depression, into beauty. Let this disease not cripple us, no matter how bad it is because what we have to do, is cripple the disease itself. Though it may be hard to see, life is beautiful when it can be, and it’s up to us to create that beauty and to never give in. I am depressed. But I am a fighter, and depression, go fuck yourself bro. I’m not going to let you win. I will. And I’m going to use my prior darkness, and sadness, to create something beautiful. Light said, the world can be dark, but we can provide light and channel pain to beauty. And never give up ever, and always understand you’re not alone. You got me. And It will be ok. Because we all have the strength to beat this. I believe it. One of my idol’s, Martin Luther King JR. said “Darkness cannot drive out darkness. Only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate. Only love can do that.”
I pray for everyone struggling, know you are not alone, and that we can beat this all, together.
s/0 to my loving cousin and his wife Amanda 12.12.22020