Lately I have not been posting on my website, however, I still have been MaxinoutNBlackinout’. The reason for my not posting as often on this website is simply due to struggles that I am facing in real life. Since I have opened up before about depression and anxiety (Battling with Loneliness and “Let Me Tell You a Little Bit about Depression), I am going to once again.
Here we go again;
I haven’t been able to function for the last 6 months due to crippling anxiety and depression. Sometime it is so bad that I cannot get out of bed, and am having trouble getting to class and the gym due to self-consciousness and a lack of confidence that resulted from my anxiety and depression/ MTHFR Mutation Enzyme Disorder. Sometimes everything is so overwhelming that I cannot function and often feel that I am a lesser human being that others, and I simply sometimes do not have the motivation to move forward. The world is so hard and difficult, however, the only thing that can drag me out of this hole is, ME. So anyone struggling like me, get the proper help you need like I have, but know that ultimately it is up to you to beat whatever you are facing. I dug myself a hole, and getting pulled out by somebody, or getting help, will not help me understand how to get out of the hole since I was helped. However, if I crawl out of the hole by myself, I would have learned how to get out and would know not to fall back into the hole. So, I have stayed climbing.
I battle my issues everyday, and more content including motivation, mental health, clothing, and workout related posts will surface soon now that I am back at writing. I needed a break, but I am back.
I will beat these diseases, and to all struggling, do not give up.
This is a short post updating the website. The last few months have been extremely difficult for me personally, and this has helped shaped my ideas for what I am going to deliver content wise with MaxinoutNBlackinout LLC. I am going to be writing about one or two posts a month, one regarding mental health and the other regarding lifting. In addition, much more clothes such as hoodies, joggers, leggings, and more will be coming out as well.
For some of us, going to the gym is an escape from reality. To others, it is training for a sport, a method to stay in shape, or a method to get into shape. But, the horrible grip of self-consciousness grasps some of us, and prevents us to go to the gym due to self-consciousness, and I have struggled with this before as well. Self-consciousness is a serious issue that can affect your mental health, physical health, and your gains. I have been battling self-consciousness my whole life, and here is my advice regarding self-consciousness and the gym; Just GO.
Self-Consciousness devours my mindset as I constantly compare my physique or strength or vascularity or speed or hops to other athletes’ abilities. This trumps my motivation to go to the gym as I constantly do not feel good enough or begin to feel weak or out of place. I feel as if everybody notices the gains that I have lost or the gains that I have not yet achieved. However, this is NOT how one can think. Constantly comparing oneself to another is a death wish as we can never be anybody but ourselves, so there simply is no point in comparison to others.
The only comparison you need is to yourself and what you used to be. Track your gains and strength, and this noticeable improvement if tracked ( improve through progressive overload in the gym) will help improve one’s self confidence.
You can never compare yourself to others or sell yourself short; and it is imperative that you do not let the feeling of others or social anxiety affect your ability to workout or lift. You just have to put your head down and keep going and realize that the gym needs to be a place of escape for us; not a place of mental stress. Do not be afraid to work out just because others are in different physical shape than us. Focus on you and becoming a better person, and soon that self-consciousness about going to the gym will turn to confidence.
This topic is both maxinoutnblackinout related and mental health related. It is about anxiety and the gym, and specifically when your anxiety can prevent you from going to the gym. Lets get into it.
Now, usually, going to the gym is a huge cure for anxiety, stress, and other issues such as a hangover or possibly depression. However, as a powerlifter, powerlifting sometimes becomes so rigid within the programming that going to the gym, performing exercises and doing prescribed sets that you cannot choose every single workout of the week; it starts to become stressful on your body and mind.
You feel like you can’t enjoy the simplistic love you have for the gym because you cannot do what exercises you want.
This builds anxiety, and I’m not talking about the type of anxiety that somebody can get from taking an anatomy and physiology test. I’m talking about the kind of anxiety that can truly cripple you and fuck you up, like it has to me. It makes it hard to get out of bed, you develop social anxiety and don’t want to leave the house. It’s horrible and you feel so guilty for being afraid to get to the place you’re supposed to love, but, the anxiety is just too crippling that you can’t find the energy within you to do a single thing. Its difficult.
How do we deal with this?
Coming from someone who deals with this type of anxiety on a regular basis and has been throughout what I have described above, I can tell you that even though the anxiety is so crippling, it is simple to conquer, you just need courage.
You need courage to not be afraid to express yourself and get back into the gym. Who cares if you lost or gained weight or strength. You’ll get it back. Do not let yourself get in a rut. Get up, breath, be calm and know you’re the shit, and get your ass to the gym.
That’s what I do, I tell myself to breathe, to move, and I think about the pump I am about to get and think about how at peace I feel at the gym, and I am able to move forward.
Have the strength inside of you to be you and get back to the gym if crippling anxiety or depression has held you back.
Because it’s held me back, but I cut the rope and got back to where I belong.
The world feels like a room full of razorblades and no matter where you move or walk, you’ll get cut
And thats what anxiety is like, the world is the room and we’re in the center with all the razor blades around us and we just are scared of life and moving forward because we are scared we are going to get cut and hurt or that we might even get so hurt where bleed out.
So we stay stagnant and sit in our spot not moving so that we don’t get cut by the razors, we don’t get hurt. But how can we feel anything if we don’t move? Finally, the fear of the blades and anxiety becomes too much, so we need to move.
But instead of making an incision in order to end it all, I realize that I cannot end it, so I realize I must fight the razors. I put my head down, and I move forward towards the door. Despite all the pain from the razors and anxiety, I move. And finally I think, I’ve made it out the door. I have plenty of scars and cuts and wounds. But here I am. Outside.
“My life, What It’s Like, How to Treat Other’s with depression, and How to Handle it.”
Here is another mental health article. I am getting very personal with this one and opening up even more. For years since I was thirteen, I have been struggling with self-consciousness, bouts of depressive episodes and suicidal thoughts, anger issues, loneliness, and past bullying which affects me today along with constant rejection my whole life. I have been rejected simply because I was being myself, and who I was; and was not accepted. I’ve loathed myself forever, made constant mistakes, been diagnosed with the enzyme disorder that I have spoken about before. I lack a sufficient amount of the enzyme MTHFR in my brain, which is a catabolic protein/enzyme that breaks down the B Vitamin Folic Acid. When released in your brain, Folic Acid releases neurotransmitters like Dopamine and Serotonin from your brain; the chemicals that regulate your mood and happiness/sadness. I was unable to release the chemicals because the enzyme MTHFR could not break down and release the chemicals, therefore I experienced symptoms extremely similar to depression. This required me to take a blood test and urinalysis, which also revealed that I had Generalized Anxiety Order or GAD, alongside with Panic Attacks. I additionally am prescribed medication because I have anger issues and trouble focusing on school and keeping my mind focused on priorities; as I have a scrambled egg for a brain as my thoughts are constantly all over the place. I’ve lost family members. I struggle with losing the love for my passions sometimes. Friendships and Relationships with significant others and Family members all are stressful and are all existent twenty-four-seven, three-sixty-five. I have been through it all. Doctors help. But the true ones who can help the most; are people like me, because we understand it better than just the science. We, the veterans of loneliness and sadness, understand things better than the doctors, because doctors studied it. I am it.
So now that you know I’m not a pussy and aren’t lying about my many flaws, let me truthfully tell you about what experiencing immense depressive episodes are like (basically what depression is like, but that is not my technical diagnosis so I use appropriate terms as to not offend those actually diagnosed with MDD). And secondly, being “depressed,” just means you have been feeling very sad, so watch your syntax if you’re around a diagnosed individual; they may take offense. Being diagnosed means you have chemical imbalances in your brain causing the disorder and therefore you cannot control it.
TIME TO SEND IT
Depression
Its deep and dark and hungry and relentless. It’s a deep trench that God chose to dig for those whom are diagnosed. Maybe I deserved it, but ultimately, it is nobody’s fault, really. But depression, it’s not just being sad about something. It’s being sad about just; nothing. You’re fucking sad and alone, and you shouldn’t be, you know shouldn’t be. There is no reason for the pain we are experiencing but nevertheless, there it is; pain. You feel the depression. It’s excruciatingly difficult to feel pain for no reason. It’s like; there are so many other people in this world who have been through worse things than the depressed have been through; but they don’t feel this way. So, why do we? It’s not like we want to feel this way, or have a reason. And we especially don’t want to try and act as if our mundane lives are so much more painful than those of others who have gone through worse. But don’t feel bad for us, we, me, whatever. We, or at least I, don’t want fucking pity, I already fucking hate myself. I don’t want anyone else feeling bad for me. Those undiagnosed with a form of Depression can’t relate to the agony, or the tragedies that happened to me. It, Depressive Disorder, is not relatable to others because its due to chemical imbalances in our brains. We have this weight holding onto us, and this weight is not just on our shoulders, but on our entire fucking body. It is just dragging us down further and further making us feel as if we are so beneath everybody and everything; completing our feeling of worthlessness. We feel empty, lonely, angry, sad, confused, and guilty for being sad without reason. It is such a burden that is extremely misunderstood. Sometimes things feel so bad you just want to end it all, and I can’t tell you how many times I have come close to flatling myself. But I didn’t. Do you know what it is like, to shakily hold a knife up to your esophagus ready to end it all? But then you just can’t do it and throw the knife because you know you can’t, and all you have is tears, emptiness, and questions. But, what you still have too, is your life, and the ability to GET BETTER.
See, the thing is; there really is NO secret way to heal depression. Medication helps numb the pain until the pain adapts to the medication, which then causes the repetitive cycle of the medication never being enough or correct. You can talk to people, like your friends or family or a therapist like a psychologist or psychiatrist. But that just helps with temporary relief as you get things off your chest and gain support from friends. Now, regardless that the aid from medication and talking to people is temporary, I still suggest that one would do both as they are still steps that can help. But speaking from a personal level, I can tell you the one thing that I have been able to do that has made my depression manageable and made my life not so suicidal. These two other things, are love and laughter. These two feelings actually help me outweigh the depression sometimes. I battle my depression by making people feel loved, cared about, happy, and important. I drown out the cries of sadness with laughs of joy and drown depression using jokes and laughter and by spreading love. To me, being able to make other people happier, and possibly lessening their depression if they have some kind, through simplistic laughter, truly helps me feel better. It doesn’t completely take away the pain, however it certainly does the trick a lot better than the medications and is completely natural. Laughter and love do not come from a lab; they come from the human heart. They warm my soul and for a little while, the depression lowers. This is my suggestion to all who struggle with a diagnosis. Everybody should try to take their sadness and spur it into something greater and more powerful, and use that sadness to motivate us to create happiness. Spread love. Tell the people you love that you love them, compliment them just to make them smile, hug them to prove that you care, be there for them when they need you. Make somebody laugh instead of seeing them crying. Spread love throughout the world and some love will be returned back towards you, and that love is genuine and not fake. This true love I receive from people who I care about genuinely helps lower the depression. Laughter, being funny, and making jokes also help me escape the depression. Life is so tough, and to be able to make laughter out of misery is simply amazing. I am so thankful for jokes. To wrap it up, as Neal Brennan said in his latest Netflix standup comedy special “3 Mics,”; “You know sometimes the world can feel like a room that’s filling up with water, and for me to be able to think of a joke is like an air bubble, like a psst, psst. Like I can take the oxygen I get into my lungs and it can carry me forward. Like things can be overwhelming, and scary, and hurtful, but thankfully, my brain can descramble things and form a joke. Like just for one second, things slow down, and I can win, like I can beat life. It’s the best. And its so personal, and something I’m so grateful for. Jokes.”
Life is hard and overwhelming, but use your pain to motivate yourself to form a joke or to spread laughter and love, allowing yourself to breathe just for one moment. And in that moment, as Neal describes in which I agree, we can win. We can beat depression and beat life, just for a few moments. This is how I am overcoming my depression. This has been what it’s like for me. And this has been my advice. I wish all of you the greatest of luck and support, because even if I don’t know you, I care. Stay strong everyone.
This is not an informational article about lifting or school or blacking’ out right now. This is a poem I wrote to contribute to help other fight against mental illness’. Lifting information will be out soon, most likely a blog on how what drinks to stick to calorie wise whilst out and about and a lifting article about bench form and my advice.
Here’s the poem. Stay strong everyone.
“When the Pain Hits”
When the pain hits, pick up the pen
When the pain hits, don’t always count on your friends.
When the pain hits, keep up your head.
When the pain strips us of love we fight till we are dead.
When the pain rips up our hearts, we stich them back together instead
When the pain hits, we don’t need any artificial meds
We stand back up when the pain hits cause that’s what was meant.
Life is full of twists and turns and pain beneath our chests
Life is full of hurtful selfish people but we know how to deal with the rest
When the pain hits, don’t let it sting, don’t let it stick.
Stand back up and make sure you don’t feel that pain again.
Become bulletproof and don’t let anyone affect you.
Do not let the selfishness of others ruin or wreck you.
Do not give up, I am here I will not let you.
Life is hard but good things are eventful.
Be strong and nobody will forget you.
Be tough and deal with things that are suspenseful
You are human, you are incredible.
When the pain hits, which is inevitable, use it to level you
Do not let it bury you, and when you stand back up
You will feel the strength and the love because you did not give up
When the pain hits, I wish it good luck, because from now on, the pain will not get us.
Here we go again, another fairly different post from the regular Maxin’ Out N Blackin’ Out Posts, this one also relating to mental health and our souls, as I would like to explain to others what I believe love is, and how we can use love to better the world and the lives of people around us. Regular Maxin’ Out N Blackin’ Out Posts will resume soon enough, however I would like to share this post as I believe it will help people figure out my belief of what love truly is, and hopefully individuals can relate. Here we go again.
“What Is Love?”
What’s Love? What exactly is it? We tell each other we love each other all the time. People fall in love, they engage in relationships in which they profess such love to each other. But this love, the love I have, is different than falling in love. This love, is a word in which we use to simply tell others that we care. Being in love with somebody is different than the love for caring for others. Love, see, love is being there for the people you care about when they most need it. Love is waking back up at three or four AM just to make sure your person whom you care about is okay. Love is doing anything for others no matter what it does to you. Love is making people feel happier, reminding them of their incredible personalities, features, and other aptitudes and characteristics. Love is making people you care about smile and laugh. Love is surprising someone with something by showing them how much you care through wonderful actions. Regular love is the simplistic way of showing other human beings how much we care about them. People say you cannot love somebody else if you do not love yourself, and I can say from first-hand experience, that that is simply not true. Because I love all for whom I care about. So much, that I have so little love left inside of me to love myself. I give and give and give all of my love away to ensure the happiness of others for whom I care about, and I do so, so often that I simply run out of the love inside of me as I have given it away to so many others. And they deserve such love, because everybody deserves to be happy. And I want to be the one to deliver such smiles and happiness. Though I may self-destruct from the absence of self-love, I will remain as strong as I can, because I view myself as a sacrificial human being, dedicating my life to helping others and making sure that they feel loved. It is extremely difficult to live with on a constant basis as not being able to love yourself is an extreme difficulty. However, when it is all said and done and the sun is set, I will be content knowing that I have helped others become happy, and ultimately, I have prevented some sadness in this dark, challenging world. The world is dark, and I am just trying to bring some light back into the lives of people who need it. That, to me, is what love is.
Although this website is primarily for providing informative information about lifting and balancing your lifestyle appropriately, it is also about my passion in lifting and about the struggles that I have battled along the way, and I would like to offer advice to people who struggle daily with mental health issues as I am diagnosed with an MTFHR Enzyme disorder and anxiety disorder, which I have opened up about in the past. Today, I am going to present a piece I have written titled, “What It Feels Like to Be Lonely,” which addresses loneliness and depression. This piece I have written is rather different from other content on this website, however, this website embodies not only my Maxin’ out n’ Blackin out mentality, but also offers life advice because my overall goal in this journey is to help spread fitness and happiness. Now this piece is sort of dark, but it explains how being lonely feels, and I wrote this so people who do not understand loneliness can, and towards the end I explain why we must fight our loneliness. This is kinda dark, but here we go.
“What It Feels Like To Be Lonely”
Being lonely is different than from what you think. Its a mental thing. It’s not just being alone physically, not simply the physical absence of company causing you to yearn to surround yourself with individuals just because you want to socialize. You yearn to surround yourself with people around you so that the presence of others can distract you from loneliness. Loneliness, see, it is a constant and consistent feeling, the fear, the sadness, the desperation of wanting something, but yet you do not know what it is. You are lonely and empty, and the loneliness actually causes the emptiness, forcing you to try and find something, anything, to fill up that emptiness. You are alone. Mentally, even if you physically aren’t. Like mentioned before, You fill yourself in rooms full of people, familiar and friendly faces, momentarily filling up the deep darkness and emptiness inside of you. And for a brief moment, you are content. But in an instance your being content with the situation changes and the loneliness comes back, and the momentary happiness slips away into thin air. It is a vicious cycle. We strive to fill our loneliness. But we don’t know how to fill it, or what to fill it with. We try to find passions, careers, relationships. Or we use external methods of escape such as facing the bottle or taking that pill. But the artificial happiness created by external factors such as love and other drugs soon and suddenly evaporate. We find or search for pointless careers in which we try to find a purpose within such careers hoping we find our calling, or purpose. Some lucky ones find such purpose, but us, the lonely, cannot. Soon such loneliness will return to haunt us. The empty space within us will always fill up with momentary and artificial happiness before we are drained and stripped of such happiness or empathy, leaving us just as empty as we were before. But despite our faults, our loneliness, we smile through the pain, through the despair, the emptiness, and through the loneliness. We don’t know how to solve it, but we are trying to. There is no scientific cure for loneliness as I believe that loneliness correlates with our souls, not simply our genetic makeup regarding cognitive function. Loneliness is a matter of the soul, a soul who feels empty and alone, yet through the pain, we know we must persevere. So we smile, we are lonely, but we smile because that is exactly what we need to do. We cannot let our loneliness engulf us, we cannot let our sadness bury us. We cannot hide it, but what we can do, is fight it. Smile, day by day, fight by fight, battle with loneliness, and eventually one lone-full night, the loneliness will evaporate because we have won the fight. You cannot give up, be brave and be bright. Loneliness sucks, but we must persevere and not let it take our lives. Smile, because someday everything will be alright.
This post is more-so related to life rather than balancing lifting and partying, as I want to delve into a personal experience I have been through that keeps me going, and keeps me motivated. School has always been a stressor for me as I have been diagnosed with anxiety disorder which makes it even more difficult to deal with school. I’ve always been able to put in the work, but sometimes it’s hard, and I know a lot of students can relate because lets face it, who wants to sit in a boring elective class wasting their time away listening to crap they don’t care about? No one, everybody hates class that isn’t revolved around their major, and its incredibly not motivating having to do something you hate. However, whenever I find myself in that slump, I remind myself of my bigger goals and what I want to achieve. You have to deal with bullshit to become the shit, so don’t give up no matter how hard you hate classwork or whatever other endeavor is bothering you. Push through because that’s all you can do. I’ve wanted to give up so many times because I felt as if I was wasting my time in class while I could be out in the real world chasing my dreams, despite how successful or unsuccessful I might be. However, don’t throw away your education to chase your dreams because you can do both at once. It’s extremely difficult to handle, to understand, and to deal with. But if you really care about your dream in life, you should never let something little stop you. The squat is the perfect analogy or life. When something heavy pulls you down, you grind, grind, and grind again, and then you stand up. Don’t let yourself ever lose your motivation and make that dream into a reality.
